How do you put words to thoughts that bounce around in your head? How do you deal with something that you are in denial about? What do you do when it all comes crashing down and reality finally catches up? I have no answers. I do not know. I do not know what to feel, what to think. How do you in a nut shell keep it together when you already have so much on your plate that taking time to “process” isn’t allowed to you?
It has been 3 weeks today since I got the phone call that my grandfather passed away suddenly. So many thoughts fill your mind. “I should have called more.” “I should have stopped by the other day when I drove by.” “I shouldn’t have been in such a hurry to leave at Thanksgiving.” “I should have, I should have, I should have”….I know he loved me. Not a doubt in my mind. He was never the same after my grandmother died. He changed. Our relationship changed. She was his universe, his universe died 10 year ago. He’s been coasting ever since. He is with her now. With the one his soul loves. I want to say I miss him, but I can’t seem to let myself feel grief. I don’t know what to do when I start feeling it.
The biggest “I should have” I feel is I should have brought my camera more. I told myself to bring it at Thanksgiving. I told myself every time “This could be the last time! Take the moments now while you have them. It will be all you have one day!” I didn’t. I usually don’t listen to myself. Foolishness I’m learning to regret.
They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. I say it’s worth a thousand memories. It tells the story of the love you’ve shared, the laughs, the tears, the joys, the sorrows, it is at best your life. I’m going to start capturing more. Telling more. Holding and saving the moments more.
Take this to heart! When was the last time you captured intimate moments with your loved ones? Your parents? Grandparents? It is only a matter of seconds ticking away until they are taken from us. I am moved to start documenting lives. Whether it’s an hour at a family picnic or 4 hours documenting Christmas dinner don’t underestimate the power of everyday moments. It could very well be the greatest, most treasured thing you have to hold on to. Don’t take it for granted.
I love you grandpa! Thank you for all the fabulous gifts, laughs, memories, and love that you have shared with me the last 24 years. I don’t want to process this, but I know you are happy and with the love of your life. I have so much more to say, so much more to reminisce about. You truly hold a dear place in my heart and my mind. My life would not have been the same with out you in it. Rest in Peace…until we meet again, I love you, Cheers!